EMBRACING.INTERDEPENDENCY (Embrace series Part III)
Can you hold the Baby while I whee?
Could you get me some breakfast?
Can you make dinner?
Could you get Lea on your way home from her play date?
There it is again. The reality of not being able to make a move without help. And there it is again, my inability to let go of my "I-can-do-it-all-on-my-own-and-look-good-while-doing-it" attitude. And here they are again, these painful moments when the ego shatters into pieces. And here they are again, these moments of surrender, of melting into arms of support, of widening the heart to embrace the small self, these moments crying a river, this mother heart learning about, connections that make life rich and the heart so tender.
"The healthiest way we can interact with those close to us is by being truly interdependent. This is where two people, both strong individuals, are involved with each other, but without sacrificing themselves or compromising their values. What they have is a balanced relationship, and unfortunately it is not all that common. But it is attainable with just a little awareness and understanding."
Barton Goldsmith Ph. D.
Mr. Goldsmith, my early days of being a second time mother are the greatest lesson which life could possibly offer to distinguish between interdependency and codependency and the painful shattering of the illusion of my current ability of independency. Lessons of learning to accept help which comes from the heart. Learning to truly receive. Close friends and family, as well as complete strangers I meet along the way of my crazy travels with two children, act according to the 4 aspects of true love. Metta, mudita, karuna, uppekksha. I studied about them, used them often in my practice, thought I knew the power of these precious qualities of the heart. Yet, when people fall in awe over the precious new life in my arms and shower me with loving kindness, sympathethic joy, compassion and equanimity, I myself fall in awe over the powerful shift some people undergo through the pure presence of a baby.
As I spend nights and days reflecting upon the right choice of education for my daughter next year, I ponder upon my own education, the aspects I use in my every day life and my general ability to not only cope in life, but to thrive. While curricula are still full of facts, which tend to slip through our memory faster than water runs through our hand, as well as heaps of intellectual properties; I see in myself and in my environment how little we are prepared for the emotional roller coaster life is. Ever since I started my after-school-life, I'm in the process of distinguishing the properties of my mind which perceive, analyse, compare and judge. In the process of clarifying what success means for me, in the process of creating a healthy emotional environment in my family through conscious life choices and conscious communication. Non of these processes were topic of regular school syllabus.
I have learned many things in my 18 years of intellectual education, which are certainly of value. Yet in the most powerful time of transformation, from being a single, self determined, strong and independent woman into being a mother and a wife, I'm on a quest to look for tools and emotional maturity which didn't come in the care free package of my subscription into modern life when entering this earth journey.
"Codependence and interdependence are two very different dynamics. Codependence is about giving away power over our self-esteem. . . . Interdependence is about making allies, forming partnerships. It is about forming connections with other beings."
⁃ Robert Burney M.A.
More than anything else I came across so far, I found nourishment within the practice and community of AcroYoga and ThaiYoga Massage. In this strange and colourful bunch of leading edge thinkers and feelers who are brave enough to leave the "black road" and take the "red road", forming creative examples of living a life outside of limiting beliefs. A bunch that is willing to touch the deepest, most hidden parts, a bunch that is willing to try another way than always just taking the trotten path, that is willing to fall, get back up and try one more time. Over and over again.
As I pass through my challenges of a new born in a sling, a strong willed 5 year old practicing her abilities in leadership, a husband who lives my long dreamed dream and me restoring my pelvic floor with those subtle exercises, while my peers jump into standing h2h, I lean on my peers holding me in their strong arms, holding my baby while I practice shoulder bridge, tackling my 5 year old while I have this important conversation with my husband which was due 5 weeks ago and cry my tears through the phone into the ears of my girlfriend from the other side of planet.
To communicate our needs with a “Santa Clause attitude” is what Marshall Rosenberg asks us to in the process of nonviolent communication. To ask for help while seeing the request we make as a gift we make to others, so they can tap into compassionate contribution to life. A state that we’re made to be in and a state that makes us truly happy.
Embracing interdependency. There is a time for everything. A time to give, a time to receive. Go knit a network of support and lean on each other!!!
It takes a village. It truly does!!!
Move, connect, play!!!